Conflict is normal in a loving relationship. Unfortunately, there are many couples who bend over backwards, trying to avoid conflict. Perhaps they believe that "happy" couples don't fight. Or maybe partners don't feel entitled to ask for their needs to be met. Many are afraid of their own anger, that their emotions will get too out of control. Some are afraid that if they express their true feelings, their partner might become dissatisfied and eventually leave.
The couples who try to avoid conflict are not doing their relationship any favors. Habitual avoidance of conflict is the leading cause of divorce. In one major study on divorce, the majority of couples (60%) name "soft reasons" for splitting up - boredom and growing apart. Avoiding conflict causes two people to repress resentment and turn away from each other. And, that can't be good.
How many of these "Conflict Phobic" beliefs do you have? Answer "true" or "false" to the following questions:
1. Happy couples don’t fight.
2. Negative feelings towards my partner are unhealthy.
3. I am worried that my negative feelings will cause my partner to leave.
4. I am afraid I can’t control some of my strong feelings.
5. I am afraid of my partner’s anger.
6. Conflict will almost always be destructive in a relationship and should be avoided.
7. The closer we get as a couple, the less conflict we should have.
8. The more I care about my partner, the less upset I should get at them.
9. Conflict always leads to hurt feelings and distance.
10. I am ashamed of how I behave when I am angry.
11. When my partner is frustrated or angry with me, I feel like such a failure.
12. When my partner gets upset with me, I just want to run away.
13. I must have good control of my feelings to have a successful relationship.
14. If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.
15. Couples who fight a lot have a higher probability of divorcing.
16. Nothing good can ever come from conflict
17. When I am upset, I can’t manage my feelings. Rather my feelings manage me!
18. When we disagree, someone has to win and someone has to lose.
19. I can’t stand it when my partner is upset with me.
20. If I was a loving partner, I would not get so upset
21. It is impossible for us to stay connected when we disagree.
If you answered "true" to any of these statements, you can take comfort in knowing that while conflict is mostly unpleasant, it does not have to feel so threatening.
You can learn to express disagreement and differences in an emotionally "smart" way. Fighting "smart" means learning how:
regulate emotions
reveal rather than control
re-sync with your partner, without words
repair misunderstandings quickly
Conflict is an opportunity to deepen your understanding of self and other. Conflict, managed "smartly," is the primary way to create emotional safety in your relationship. When couples successfully team up to share power, a new synergy takes place... the synergy of a "we."
About Rhonda Audia, MSW
- Rhonda Audia, MSW
- The road to relationship success can be difficult to navigate. There are four relationship stages to be mastered and conflict is a normal and necessary part of this process. Rhonda Audia, a.k.a. The Guru for Two, can enlighten your travels with wit, insight, and practical advice. She has over 20 years experience helping people achieve relationship success. Her physical counseling practice is located in Tampa, Florida. She also provides education and counseling on the phone, email, and Skype.
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