Fight the Post-Wedding "Blues"

Your wedding day is the happiest of your life. But, the immediate aftermath can be a huge emotional let down.

Post-nuptial depression, commonly known as "newlywed blues," is very common for couples. As many as one in ten women suffers post-nuptial depression. Grooms have also reported being hit by the "blues," but it seems that women are more likely to be affected as they tend to have a stronger emotional investment in the wedding.

The newlywed "blues" can range from vague discontent to full- scale depression. Left untreated it can go on indefinitely, getting more ingrained. This condition will typically hit early in married life as newlyweds begin recognizing that some of their expectations of wedded "bliss" were idealistic.

One marries with the expectation that a partner will supply a consistent stream of love and approval. But expectations meet reality and the emotional challenges of real life can be quite complicated. The anxiety can be high - the responsibility, the time pressures, and the daily decision-making. And, the differences between a couple that they were suppressed during the courtship, will likely surface, sooner verses later.

This is when a couple's state of bliss can turn to "pissed." Very suddenly, the partner that you thought was the "answer," can turn into the "problem"!

Couples must understand that conflict is very normal for newlyweds and nothing to be afraid of. The last thing that a newly married couple wants to do is make a habit of AVOIDING conflict. Avoiding conflict and stuffing feelings is not good for the long term health of the relationship. Repressed resentment leads to emotional alienation and zombie marriages (marriages that look alive on the outside but are really quite dead emotionally.)

Even though conflict is unavoidable, remember that DUMB FIGHTS are optional. Dumb Fights are the repetitive, "me verses you" arguments that never seem to get resolved. It is not the topic of the fight that is "dumb" but, rather, the way the couple handles their emotions, that is unintelligent. Rather than succumbing to a dumb fight, couples can learn "smart fighting" skills. When you fight smart, you fight with conscious awareness of how to regulate, reveal, re-sync, and repair your connection with your partner...even when you don't agree!

It is also a very good idea to anticipate and discuss potential "hot button" topics:
How will we blend our views about saving and spending?

Who's going to do what chores? How are things going to change with kids?

How will we spend free time - how much together and how much separate?

How about finding time to have sex and maintain our connection?

Do we have any bounday issues with family, dealing with in-laws?

Do we understanding differences in how you experience closeness and affection?

How are we different in how we deal with frustration and anxiety?

How will we balance lifestyle expectations, goals, dreams as a WE?

Realistic expectations, frank discussions, and "smart" communication skills are essential for long term relationship success. Conflict can be an opportunity to strengthen your bond, deepen your understanding of self and other, and create a dynamic partnership as a "we".