What’s the Purpose of Your Relationship?

It is so easy to fall in love. It is a lot more difficult to stay in love.

One day love can be BLISS…
The next day, it's just two people "pissed."

Dumb fights. Hurt feelings. Repressed resentments. Conflict is only too normal even in the best of relationships. So with all the ups and downs and all the hard work, why do people try over and over again to succeed at love? Just what are individuals seeking from a relationship? What is it supposed to sort out for them? What is it supposed to create?

Many men and women think that to be in relationship will be “the answer” to what is missing in their life. The purpose of the relationship is to make them happy and complete somehow. However what happens most times is that the person that you thought was the answer, eventually becomes the problem!

Some go into a relationship in order to make it a very different experience from the one that they grew up in. Many have a picture in their head of how their partner should love them, behave, and provide for them. Others expect the relationship to keep them financially. To have a nice, big house, the latest car, exotic vacations, and an exciting social life. These practical purposes are all well and good but a relationship can’t just be about getting stuff? A loving relationship should also be about giving something, right?

Years ago I read a phrase from a book that caught my attention. The name of the book was “Conversations with God (Book 1),” by Neale D. Walsch. Here’s the phrase from this book:

“Be sure you and your mate agree on purpose. If both of you agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create an opportunity, not an obligation – an opportunity for growth, for full Self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with God through the communion of your two souls…the relationship has begun on a very good note.”

This Neale D. Walsch quote is very inspiring. It creates an expansive view of our romantic relationships. We can deliberately create a “we” that will serve as our primary evolutionary path. Growth, self expression, self actualization are all basic hsayuman needs. However, these needs are pretty high up in, say, Maslow’s Hierchy of needs. What that means is that we cannot focus on these these evolutionary needs BEFORE we feel love, safety, and belonging. The higher, evolutionary purposes to the relationship are best attended to after a couple gets through the Stage 2 (You are the Problem) conflict and “Me verses You” power struggles.

When you are struggling, in the Me verses You “dumb fights” with you partner, there is a guiding force, that can help you repair your connection, regulate the anxiety and reveal you your truest needs. The primary purpose of your relationship is connection - to have someone to turn to, both in good times and in bad. We have a wired in need for someone to depend on for comfort, for understanding, for support. Are worst fear is to face moments of distress...alone. You want someone you can reach for, for nurturing soothing, support, and protection. Just because we are in grown-up bodies, we still need to feel loved and nurtured.

I recommend that couples write a mission statement for their relationship at regular intervals, for example, every anniversary. Practical goals for the “we” make sense. Higher goals of growth and self -actualization are important to include. But, remember the primary emotional purpose of your relationship – the need to provide soothing, understanding, and support to one another – is vital to relationship survival and long term success.

Take a second to sit down with your partner and create a Mission Statement for your relationship. Think about what values you want to incorporate in you statement. What are you together for?