Practicing gratitude may be the fastest single pathway to happiness, health, and success in your love life.
According to a study conducted by positive psychologist and mindfulness expert, Dr. Henry Emmons, PhD, people who kept a gratitude journal for just 3 weeks measured 25% higher on life satisfaction after wards. Research participants who became more mindful of gratitude, exercised more, drank alcohol less, and were describe by their families and friends as generally nicer to be around.
Developing a habit of noticing what you appreciate about your partner can be a very powerful "dumb fight" prevention tool. As you probably know, relationships go through various stages. It is normal for a couple to evolve from feeling "blissed" (and idealizing their partners) to feeling “pissed” and viewing their partners as problematic. Conflict is unavoidable because it is an integral part of the relationship maturation process. On the other hand, mindless mayhem, the dumb fight duels that many couples engage in, is totally unneccessary.
Dan Wile, one of my favorite relationship sages, famously said, "When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years." I think he is suggesting that couples need to accept that aggravation is going to happen. Remember, it is not a lousy partner but a lousy connection that is the cause of marital distress.
Relationship success actually depends on the ratio of positive to "disappointing." Couples can fight like hell and still be strong as long as the ratio of positive to negative is at least 5 to 1. What this means is that you should like your partner 5 times more than you dislike your partner. And, there will be times in your relationship that will require some self discipline and attention.
Being mindful of what you appreciate, value, and cherish can help you in a multitude of ways:
- you will become less judgmental
- you will increase your satisfaction
- appreciation will increase flexibility and acceptance
- you will be able to let go of gripes
- it enhances your trust
- appreciation will soften you emotionally, make you more kind
- increase your motivation to be generous
- make you more empathic
Every day. remind yourself to notice and record at least three things you appreciate about your partner. Keep a log. The qualities don’t have to be big things; they can be tiny. It might be the way he smiles, or the sound of her laughter.
Pay attention and note how your partner enhances your life. Daily things. Again, they don’t have to be big things. It might be the simple fact that she goes to work to earn money to help pay for some of the things you enjoy having. Or the simple pleasure of having someone to talk to over dinner. Or the feeling of added security you have when you’re not alone.
If you find yourself having more than your fair share of dumb fights with your partner, it is good to remember what qualities attracted you to your partner in the first place. What personal qualities did you most admire about him/ her? In all likelihood, those strengths and qualities are still there today, you just have to pay attention and look for them.
2 comments:
Since beginning my daily gratitude practice, my relationship with my husband has gotten much stronger. We now take the time to verbally acknowledge each other for the little things as well as the big things. I clean up the kitchen, he says "thank you." He cuts the lawn, I tell him I appreciate him taking such great care of our yard. When a couple starts taking each other for granted, nothing good can come of it. Thanks so much for your wonderful article.
Thanks for such a beautiful article. I know that the power of gratitude has helped my marriage to grow even stronger. By acknowledging each other for the little things we do, we each know that we are not taken for granted. When I clean the kitchen, my husband says, "thank you." When he cuts the grass, I let him know how much I appreciate our beautiful yard. It works!
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