How To Talk To Your Honey About Money

   

Financial stress is named as one of the primary reasons for divorce.  Money is second only to infidelity as the most popular cause of marital breakup.

           

Did you know that couples spend 80 per cent of their  waking hours earning money, spending money or thinking about money?  No wonder the topic of money pushes so many emotional buttons.

Do any of these top 5 money arguments sound familiar to you:

1. spending verses saving, 
2. credit card debt,
3.  keeping secrets, 
4. sharing power and decision making and 
5. whether or not to have joint or separate bank accounts

It is also not surprising that conflicts over money can lead into some nasty dumb fights.  The "dumb" fight is really not just about dollars and cents.  Couples are struggling with topics that they don't even know how to name.  For example, money is a symbol that maybe represents core values – how much do you live in the “now” and how much do you plan for the future.  Money can represent life dreams.  Money can represent success and self esteem.  Money represents a safety net and psychological security for many.  How do you feel connected to a partner who doesn't seem to want you to feel safe?

Differences in marriage are natural and conflict over finances is normal.  Spenders marry savers, dreamers marry planners, avoiders marry worriers.   These differences become what John Gottman calls  "perpetual problems," because they are not solveble, rather they need to be managed.  Perpetual problems always stem from personality differences, qualities about your partner that you are never going to change.

Try to see conflict over money as an opportunity to deepen and expand your partnership.  You can  understand each other more deeply, accept each other more completely and learn to share power and decision-making if you can fight "smart."

Fighting "smart" is:

    

• ·         Knowing how to calm down or take a break when you loose your cool

• ·         Understanding your emotions and be willing to reveal them truthfully

• ·         Listening to your partner in 3 ways – with your ears, your head, and your heart

• ·         Looking  for solutions that feel like win-win

You don't have to wait for a dumb fight to talk about money. Talk about what money means to each partner - love, security, status,  freedom, empowerment to reach goals?    Write a financial mission statement for the "we."  Share with one another your financial dreams and goals. 

Relationship success is not always about solving the differences, so much as managing the differences.