Six Good Things Come From Conflict

I've had it with people who say that the way to a happy relationship is to eliminate the conflict.

I've had it with TV ads for dating services that show a deliriously happy couple scientifically matched to make sure they are so compatible that they seemingly will always have that happy smile pasted across their faces (when those faces aren't obscured by a passionate lip-lock).

Couples don't get into trouble because of conflict.  Couples get into trouble because they don't know how to handle their differences with emotional "smarts."  Dumb fights are the bane of a couples existence because they are under-regulated, adversarial, reactive, and repetitive.

Conflict in a relationship is normal because differences are normal.  It is our uniqueness, not just our sameness, that give our relationship excitement, surprise, passion.

Conflict is actually necessary for a relationship to deepen and mature.  Couples who habitually avoid conflict end up growing apart.  Most divorces are caused by this emotional alienation.

Conflict needs to be seen as an opportunity rather than a threat.  Conflict is the opportunity to grow your relationship in 6 important ways:

1. Conflict deepens mutual understanding - in the early stages of your relationship you feel safe enough to reveal your "sameness" but not always your "uniqueness."  It is in Stage 2 of your relationship, after you are emotionally attached, that you begin to reveal your differences.  Genuine intimacy only comes after you know that your partner accepts and values your "uniqueness."
2. Conflict encourages  each partners freedom to be authentic - many of us grow up in homes where it is not okay to be a separate and distinct "self."  However, you cannot have a solid bond as a "we" until you have an authentic "you" and a "me."  Both partners must feel safe, and entitled, to be real.
3. Conflict solidifies your emotional bond - conflict is the opportunity to reveal your most vulnerable feelings and ideas.   To feel safe to share these primary feelings with a partner, to be naked emotionally, is true intimacy (in-to-me-see).
4. Conflict resolution increases resilience to adversity  - research says that relationship success is not so much about good sex or fun times.  Relationship success is about feeling like you have a partner along side you, when times get tough.
5. Conflict is the opportunity to expand the relationship  - Conflict is the opportunity to learn from your partner's unique perspective and then make room in the relationship for both of you to be "right." 
6. Sharing power as a we enables synergy. - Synergy in a relationship is when   1+1= 3.  When two partners are feeling safe with their "uniquenes" they can be most creative as a team.

Thinking every day of a relationship is going to be about great chemisty is not just misleading -- it's downright dangerous to relationships.

Here's the true chemistry of a relationship. One partner is oil. The other partner is water. You can put them together but they will never completely mix. Couples need to embrace their differences. And remember,

Conflict is unavoidable but "dumb fights" are optional.