Three Big Dumb Fights

Love Is Always Having Someone To Blame

(sing to the tune of "Love Is a Many Splendid Thing")

Love is always having someone to blame

Love's fantasies, meet reality, and we'll feel some pain.

We use anger as a cover; to hide our fear to trust each other.

"I doubt you care, so I'll yank your hair,

You put up a wall, I"ll push, we both fall...

Once, in a hot and winded fight,

Two lovers hissed, then stopped and kissed,

They said "We must change"

They learned to hear, each others' fear, and soothe each others' pain

Connected as "WE," sure beats “YOU verses ME!”

Couples potentially have hundreds and hundreds of differences. 

Remember, it is not so much the content of an argument that is "dumb."  It is more the process of how two people navigate their differences that will determine the outcome and quality of  emotional "smartness."

Most differences that couples encounter are really normal and benign.  The "You say potato, I say potaato" variety of differences actually make a relationship alive and interesting.  It is our uniqueness, not just our sameness, that is the juice of genuine intimacy.  Differences in tastes, backgrounds, and expectations do not cause dumb fights.

Dumb fights are always related to "attachment" distress.  Feelings of being ignored, misunderstood, or criticized by your partner...that is the fuel that gets a dumb fight blazing.

I help couples recognize the early warning signs of a big, dumb fight so that they can make the necessary emotional adjustments, before the relationship is totally in flames.

This task can be simplified further if you recognize that there are really only three, big, dumb fights that you must watch for:

•  The Blame Game - this dumb fight occurs when both partners assume attacking positions.  You get upset and blaming feels easier than admitting that you are hurt or anxious.  This quickly becomes a "me verses you" polka, where someone has to win and someone has to lose.  There is definitely not enough room in the relationship for both partners to be right!

• I'm Going to MAKE YOU Love Me - This dumb fight is very common.  It is the result of personality differences - namely, how two partners express love and anger.  Some of us are, by nature,  "protesters" and feel compelled to vent frustration.  Some of us are "protectors," and try to emotionally "shut it down" when their partner is upset. But protesters, when they feel shut down, will only get louder.  You can see how this dumb fight becomes a vicious cycle of vulnerability. 

• I Don't Need You - This dumb fight is sometimes the most difficult to treat.  All the anger and pain is silent, maybe even repressed.  These partners turn away from one another because they feel helpless or hopeless or maybe they are just consciously trying to withhold their love to make their partner change.  Withholding can be just as controling as yelling...feelings of alienation and loss can be traumatic. When both partners withdraw, it is just a matter of time before the relationship self destructs.

Think about your last dumb fight.  Can you recognize your pattern as being one of these three?

I help couples learn to regulate rather than control their feelings.  The key to "smart fighting" is to become less reactive and more responsive to one another.  Once two partners recognize and acknowledge the big, old, dumb fight, they can quickly move to regulate, reveal, re-sync, and repair their emotional bond. Conflict is unavoidable, but dumb fights are totally optional!