Fights about stuff like buying the wrong bagels, bedroom frustration, and clothes strewn on the floor are really about someone feeling neglected, ignored, or misunderstood.
When you feel neglected or unappreciated by your partner, an internal alarm will scream, "Warning! Got a problem here! Not good!" The emotional mind can swing blissed to "pissed" very quickly.
It is not the topic of the fight that is "dumb" so much as the way you fight that is "unintelligent." Dumb fights are typically volatile, blaming, and defensive. A dumb fights feels like "me verses you."
In contrast, when you learn to Fight Smart, you learn to regulate emotional upset, reveal your "soft" feelings, and listen with curiosity instead of judgment. Smart fighting should feel like "us against the problem." Smart fights Skills" can save you a tremendous amount of trouble and pain.
Here are the Guru For Two's Top 10 "Smart Fight" Tips:
1) Recognize a "fake fight" when see one. Look for the real issues beneath the surface topics. The reasonable requests are usually about needs for support, understanding, protection, validation.
2) Learn a phrase, or two, to diffuse conflict. I like, "Honey, let's not have another dumb fight - can we calm down for a few minutes." If you ask for a "cool off," you must be specific about when you will return to the conversation. Don't leave you partner dangling.
3) Practice mindfulness to regulate your emotions. Anyone can learn to do a simple "mindfulness of breath" exercise to shift out of your "thinking" (and blaming) mind and into your "observing" mind. Just 10 minutes of this can tame your emotions and help you think more clearly.
4) Learn to reveal rather than control with your feelings. Anger is always a cover for a more vulnerable feeling.
5) Learn simple moves to re-synch emotionally. Squeeze your partners hand, make eye contact, use a gentle tone of voice, stroke your partners leg. So easy, so soothing.
6) Use the words "us" and "we." The words are inherently connective.
7) Learn to respond rather than react. Quiet your thinking mind by switching to your "observing" mind. Locate the sensation of your emotion in your body. You may recognized a tightness in you belly, chest, maybe throat, or head. Just oberve the sensation - does the emotion feel hot or cold, pulsing, wavelike, sharp or dull?" Visualize making space around the feeling. Just allow it to be there
8) Resist the urge to do harm. Try to tell yourself you do not have to do anything for 24 hours - give your left brain (logic) time to catch up with your emotional, right brain. Or, if you normally attack, do the opposite action as an experiment.
9) Learn to be sensitive with your partners hot "buttons". We all have our raw spots, our most painful insecurities. Pushing your partner's buttons in the heat of an argument might feel right but you will only be throwing gasoline on the fire.
10) Practice the art of apology. A good apology contains statements pertaining to past, present, and future. A past statement addresses "I see what I have done that caused pain." A present statement acknowledges, "I care about you. I am sorry about your pain. I want us to be "good." The future statement addresses, "Here is what I learned and here is how things will change."
When you learn how to Fight Smart, conflict becomes a path to deeper understanding, stronger emotional bonds, and better collaboration! Conflict in love is certain but dumb fights" are quite optional!
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