Are You Mindful or Mind-less In Your Relationship?

Let's face it, most of us have mindless relationships.  That's not a slam on your ability to experience love, happiness or harmony.  Mindless isn't who you are, its how you conduct your relationship, the process you use to relate emotionally to your partner.

It may or may not be a surprise to you that we are ruled by our emotional minds in the heat of conflict.  And this is not some new age speculation.  There is more and more research showing that these two distinct parts of the brain - the emotional mind and the logical mind - hold tremendous sway over how we behave.

But, even more important, there's more and more evidence that we can consciously take control and ensure that in times of stress, we can step back and observe our thoughts, body sensations, and feelings, without identifying with them.  This enhances our ability to respond to relationship conflict rather than react.

Practicing mindfulness helps us slow down our emotional process, regulate our reactivity and communicate more openly, less defensively, and listen to our partner with greater presence of mind.  Mindfulness exercises include techniques to help you calm you mind, slow your breathing, and clarify your feelings.  You can learn exercises to send out loving kindness to your partner, attune to their hurts, and practice forgiveness.   

Mindfulness is not just a process to work through difficult feelings and relationship conflict.   Mindfulness is also an outcome. Mindfulness will change who you are as a person.   Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis will make you less judgmental, more accepting, more open, more flexible, more trusting.  You will learn to see yourself, your partner, and events in your life in a new perspective, with greater clarity, depth, and wisdom.

Mindfulness practice cultivates qualities like gratitude, gentleness, generosity and empathy.  All of these qualities are crucial for long term relationship success.  These emotional qualities will enable you to "fight smart" with your partner.  These qualities enable you to simultaneously be an authentic "me" and a closely connected "we."

As an experiment, close your eyes, and simply notice what your mind is doing.   Stay on the lookout for any thoughts or images.  You may notice your mind is quite busy. 

Imagine that you can watch your thoughts like you can watch clouds floating by.  Or actors walking on and off stage.  Or fish  swimming in a tank. You can watch your thoughts come and and watch them go. And, not get tangled up in the thinking.

Notice where your thoughts seem to be located - are they out in front of you, above you, behind you, to one side of you, or within you.  Just like a friendly scientist, observe with curiosity and alert attention.

 

Notice that there are really two of you doing this exercise! One part of you is doing the planning, thinking, remembering.  But there is a second YOU that is the observer, "the friendly scientist," who is noticing the thinking without reactivity or judgment.  

That is the OBSERVER YOU and I will help you cultivate this quality more in the next few weeks so that, at the very least, you will be mindful enough to be able to say, " Honey, let's not have another dumb fight."