When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other. ~Alan Alda
Did you hear this one? How many couple’s counselors does it take to save a relationship? Three. Two to change careers waiting for couples to show up and one to be there when they do.
O-k… I know I am no comedian but I also know that couples counseling is in serious need of a public relations makeover.
A survey of divorced couples shows that only 1% had even sought help from a marriage counselor. Another study found that the average distressed couple waits 6 years before making a call to a relationship professional.
People wouldn’t wait 6 minutes to relieve the pain of a broken arm, but couples will wait six years to treat a broken marriage because they THINK they’ve failed! Waiting 6 years can spell romantic suicide for couples in moderate to severe distress. Six years of frustration, six years of emotional disconnection, six years of hopelessness and helplessness. What a waste of time, emotions, and – in the end – attorney fees.
So, what is the public relations problem that leads distressed couples to NOT think of counseling?
People avoid going to a marriage counselor like they dread going to a dentist for a root canal. "It will be awful! Painful. Scary!" "I'm going to get psychoanalyzed" "You're going to tell we are hopeless." "You are going to side with my spouse." "Any couple who needs counseling is doomed."
Ok, first of all marital distress is not about failure or lousy partners so much as it stems from lousy emotional connections. And most of us have trouble dealing with emotions when the stakes are high.
Couples counseling is no day at the beach, but that doesn’t mean it can’t utilize playfulness and humor for therapuetic purposes!
Frankly, I think the most important tool a couples counselor should use is a sense of humor. The humor says, "We are all in this together. Conflict is normal. And conflict can make your relationship stronger. I can teach you how. Now take a deep breath and relax."
There are lots of reasons why humor is so powerful in therapy. Humor softens tension. Humor invokes a more gentle and playful mood for a couple, it really brings out the original "we." Humor enables clients to shift from the "reactor" to the "observer" in their drama and thus is a very powerful mindfulness tool. Humor in couples counseling sessions is an immediate state changer and help de-escalate conflict. Laughter actually influences both sides of the brain, our emotional mind and our thinking mind. Humor is a wonderful tool for couples to use to get their messages across to one another without resistance. And, we all learn more when we are having fun.
I have a big red ball of blame in my office. It’s about 20 inches across and has “Big Ball of Blame” written across it. When a new couple walks into my office, I often see a little smile cross their faces when they see it. I mean, who doesn’t have a festering ball of blame somewhere in their relationship. They get it. And they also get that I may approach all this a little differently.
When a person gets into a blaming rant in a session, I make them hold the “Big Ball of Blame” for a minute. Or I place the ball between the couple and point to it saying, "Your partner is not the problem. It's this blaming defensive cycle that is the problem...this "thing" is what is coming in between the two of you." This helps a couple shift from their "you verses me" adversarial perspective to a more collaborative, "Us verses the problem" stance.
I also have a pair of foam swords leaning up against the wall in my office. When new couples spy the swords, you usually see the glint in their eyes as they ask, "When can we play with the swords." And, if the other partner laughs, its a very good sign! If a couple can still play together, they still have great passion potential.
I use the swords also when I demonstrate how they are pushing each other, rather than doing what they truly want which is to pull each other closer. I ask couples, "what does it feel like to ask for love with a weapon in your hands?" When a couple gets into a “Dumb Fight” – conflict that is mindless and unproductive – I give them an opportunity to experience their negative dumb fight “duels” in a whole new way. Trust me. They get it!
I am suggesting that the Couples Counseling Industry launch a new media campaign emphasizing the four potential benefits for clients:
2) Counseling will inspire hope - when couple can look at their struggles in different context – as a lousy connection instead of a lousy partner problem – couples feel empowered.
3) Counseling provides you with solutions and tools - conflict may be unavoidable, but dumb fights – mindless conflict – is totally optional. Dumb Fight prevention skills are very teachable.
4) Counseling that employs a sense of humor can actually be FUN - I have many couples who tell me that they enjoy coming to sessions for the insight, the bonding, and the psychological release of laughter.
One of my favorite quotes is from American philosopher Jean Houston, "At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.
2 comments:
Its very informative and interesting article.all the points are very useful. Simple but very effective writing. Thanks for sharing such a nice post.
Definitely you have provided this post as an excellent source of information that every reader must needed. This worth a lot of feed backs. I'll be following your post soon. Good Luck!
Post a Comment