Facebook Is Not The Cause of Infidelity

The New Cheating: Cyber Infidelity

A lot of people are becoming more than just Facebook "Friends."

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of divorce lawyers report seeing an increase in cyber infidelity in their cases over the last five years. And, Facebook was named the “unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence."  Two-thirds of attorneys cite Facebook as a primary source of evidence.

Does Facebook Cause Infidelity?

You can blame Facebook for a lot of things... Farmville comes to mind.  But, you cannot blame Facebook for this outbreak of cyber infidelity. It's just a new place for expressing the primary cause of infidelity anytime and anywhere -- and that's emotional disconnection with a partner.

Partners need to feel close and appreciated in order to feel good about their connection.  I suspect that many turn to Facebook for comfort when they are feeling devalued or deserted by their partner. 

For some reason, partners don't feel comfortable -- or even entitled -- to ask directly for closeness or comfort. 

Instead of turning to their partner and reaching out for reassurance, people turn to others for validation and connection.

Why People Cyber-Cheat

It's really easy for people to tell themselves that these "virtual" affairs aren't going to hurt anybody. For some reason they think their spouse will never find out -- on a social media site used by billions of people!

And, besides, it's not really "cheating." They're just "re-connecting" with an old flame or chatting up a friend of a friend.

But, online flirtations can trigger a really strong emotional and physical reaction. The instantaneous feedback and immediate gratification can become irresistible. It keeps drawing you back. The slope can get very slippery, very quickly.

And, this emotional infidelity can do just as much damage to a relationship as physical infidelity. Sometimes, a spouse can more easily forgive cheating if they believe it was "just sex." But, if they believe their partner has feelings for another, it's much harder to get over.

You can argue all you want, but cyber cheating is cheating and it will do damage... the quicker you face the deed and the injury, the better the chance of recovery.

A relationship CAN heal from cyber-infidelity. And counseling plays a key role.

I think many people believe, wrongly, that infidelity means this is a bad marriage. Not necessarily.  34% of women and 56% of men having affairs report being happy in their marriage.

Research also indicates that receiving counseling after the discovery of an affair is the single greatest predictor of recovery.  Couples can let go of the past and use the situation as a catalyst to deepen their attachment.

In order for a relationship to recover, there has to be forgiveness. That's not about accepting what happened, it's about making sense of what happened -- in your head and in your heart. That requires couples to really look at the frustrations, longings and fears that contributed to the infidelity. 

Counseling can help both people talk more openly about their feelings without blame and defensiveness. Both partners may need to learn how to listen more responsively and less reactively to one another.

And, in counseling, a couple learns more effective repair skills. Making up can be hard to do, but it's essential to stopping a lot of the unconscious resentment that causes a partner to "friend" someone else for comfort.