What is the number one fantasy about romantic love, that wrecks relationships?
Happy couples don’t fight
The truth is that, according to research, including the work of John Gottman, PhD., the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.
More relationships are threatened by the idea that conflict should be eliminated than by conflict itself.
In research done by John Gottman, Phd., 80% of the “unsuccessful” (divorcing)couples named “growing apart” as the reason they were divorcing. Only 40% of the couples named conflict as aprimary factor contributing to their relationship demise.
Answer true or false to this list of statements. Which beliefs interfere with your ability to express your differences?
CONFLICT AVOIDANCE QUESTIONNAIRE
1. Happy couples don’t fight.
2. Negative feelings towards my partner are unhealthy.
3. I am worried that my negative thoughts or feelings will cause my partner to leave.
4. I am afraid I can’t control some of my strong feelings.
5. I am afraid of my partner’s anger.
6. Conflict will almost always destructive in a relationship and should be avoided.
7. The closer we get as a couple, the less conflict we should have.
8. The more I care about my partner, the less upset I should get at them.
9. Conflict always leads to hurt feelings and distance.
10. I am ashamed of how I behave when I am angry.
11. When my partner is frustrated or angry with me, I feel like such a failure.
12. When my partner gets upset with me, I just want to run away.
13. I must have good control of my feelings to have a successful relationship.
14. If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.
15. Couples who fight a lot have a higher probability of divorcing.
16. Nothing good can ever come from conflict
17. When I am upset, I can’t manage my feelings. Rather my feelings manage me!
18. When we disagree, someone has to win and someone has to lose.
If you answered "true" to any of the following, you may be doing more harm than good avoiding conflict. You can use the tools of Conscious Connection (Accept, Attune, Affirm) to regulate your anxiety and have a more successful outcome. You can transform conflict into deeper understanding and a more flexible partnership.
About Rhonda Audia, MSW
- Rhonda Audia, MSW
- The road to relationship success can be difficult to navigate. There are four relationship stages to be mastered and conflict is a normal and necessary part of this process. Rhonda Audia, a.k.a. The Guru for Two, can enlighten your travels with wit, insight, and practical advice. She has over 20 years experience helping people achieve relationship success. Her physical counseling practice is located in Tampa, Florida. She also provides education and counseling on the phone, email, and Skype.
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