De-escalating Conflict

Disconnection often happens before you know it. In conflict, things escalate so fast that before long you and your partner are so emotionally disconnected that you have little chance of getting something good out of whatever this conflict is about.

At any moment in conflict, you can reestablish connection by shifting your focus from me verses you and paying attention, instead, on the WE.

1) Looks like “WE” are in a disconnect” again – Remember, in any conflict there is a me, there is a you, and there is a we. Ask yourself, “Where is the WE right now?” Noticing and stating that the “WE” is in a disconnect is a very connecting thing for couples.

2) Let’s not do this “fake fight thing” - Reinforce you desire to maintain connection and avoid anything adversarial. Claim your moves that are pushing your partner away –Admit how are you attacking, getting defensive or withdrawing.

3) Reveal Instead of Control – Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your partner, focus on revealing your softer, more vulnerable feelings about the situation (like insecurity, worry, hurt).

4) Listen With Curiosity, Not Judgment – Does your partner have any valid points? Do you understand the “reasonable request” they are making (to feel loved, significant, understood, secure, validated? To ease their pain, need for comfort, work together?


5) What does the WE need from us now? What can we do or say next to add (rather than subtract) from our connection – more understanding, more empathy, more flexibility?