You Do Not Complete Me

Jerry McGuire notwithstanding, you partner does not complete you.

When Renee Zellwegger tells Tom Cruise in the movie "Jerry McGuire" that he had her at "hello" -- that you can believe.

But, when he tells her that she completes him -- don't you believe it.

That's just a sure sign that these two are infatuated with each other.

The first sign -- "You had me at hello." Boy, has she got it bad for him!

The second sign is that whole "you complete me thing." It's just so typical of relationships in the early going. "You Are My Answer" is what's going through the heads of both sides at this stage.

That is one reason we are so driven to be in relationship -- to fill that hole in our middle where the wind blows through... to find that person who has the missing part of you. You don't know exactly what's missing, but you feel that something surely is or you'd be much more comfortable with who you are.

And, that person who 'had you at hello' makes you feel so good, he or she must have been sent to provide you with that missing piece to the puzzle that is your emotional life.

But, they aren't.

Now, I'm not saying relationships can't make you whole, because they can. But not because the other person supplies the answer.

I will admit that I see couples come through my door all the time who seem to be opposite pieces of a puzzle which should fit together perfectly.

She's introverted, he's extroverted. She's attracted to what is missing in her -- an outgoing personality. He's attracted to what's missing in him -- an inner emotional life. Or vice-versa.

But, here's the rub. If you want to be more outgoing, you're going to have to learn to be more outgoing. Your partner can't be outgoing for you. You want to have a more fulfilling inner life, it's up to you to create it. You can't live off the vibrations of somebody else's inner life.

So here's what happens. After six to eight months together, all of a sudden that outgoing personality becomes annoying. "Why can't we just stay at home on a Friday night and talk? Why does he have to be the center of attention whenever we're with a group of people? How come we're never just alone together?"

On the other side of the room, the extrovert is starting to get annoyed, too. "Why does she want to stay at home so much of the time? What a party pooper. And, while we're on the subject, why isn't she with me when I'm making the rounds at a social gathering? People think she's anti-social."

In what seems like the blink of an eye, the one you thought was your answer has now become your problem. Conflict starts to erupt over the very things that attracted you to each other.

What's going on? Well, you've been expecting the other person to be the answer and that person isn't the answer. That person is the example. You've got to watch and learn and do because to complete yourself you've got to complete yourself. Nobody does it for you.

That person you fell so madly in love with and now find so annoying at times is really a gift. But you've got to get past being annoyed with his or her behavior and learn from it.

When you hit this wall -- the 'you are my problem' stage -- that's when you need to see this conflict as a positive thing. It's here your surface relationship has the chance to develop a depth that will last a lifetime.

By learning to stay connected and open to learning from your partner through conflict, he or she will help you complete you.