What Age Are Your Right Now?

As a couples counselor, I live for the 'light bulb' moment.



That's the time when I can see on the faces of my clients that they've just had a realization about how relationships work that they instantly believe can really help them.



People who don't do this kind of work don't understand how draining it can be. Since there are so many people with troubled or dysfunctional relationships, I see a fair amount of couples over the course of the day.



But, every 'light bulb' moment fills me with the energy of hope for a couple who may have walked through my office door hope-less.





What's a 'light bulb' moment?



Well, one I see a lot is the realization that couples often become children when there is conflict in their relationship.



But, first, a little background.



When couples are in conflict they feel threatened. They either feel inadequate or unlovable or both. When that happens they often revert to the defenses they developed very early in life.



Because they think that people in love should never feel threatened in each others' presence, couples -- more times than not -- have not adopted the kind of adult coping skills in their relationships that they have developed in the rest of their lives.



In other words, when couples are in conflict they act like children.



Please don't take offense. There's none intended. One thing this Guru for Two does is call them as she sees them because there's just no better way toward improved relationships than the truth.



And, the truth is, when couples are in conflict they often act like children. They withdraw in anger (sulk). They lash out in anger (temper tantrum). They repeat themselves thinking sheer repetition will sway the other's opinion.



In other words, they act like children.



So, here's the light bulb moment. When I am in a session with a couple and there's conflict working and the regression starts and they become children engaged in an unresolvable battle, I stop everything and ask one or both -- "What age are you right now?"



"What?" is sometimes the first reaction. That's not the lightbulb moment.



When I explain that this conflict has made them revert to old defenses and that I want them to go back in their minds to when they might have acted this same way when they were kids -- that's when I see the light bulb go off.



It's surprising, really, how quickly people can get in touch with a moment in their youth when they sounded exactly as they sound now -- in this moment -- as an adult.



And, when that connection is made -- when one or both in couple are asked, "What age are you right now?" and they realize, "Oh my god, I sound just like I did when I was seven and my mom told me I couldn't have that new dress" or "I don't believe it, I sound just like I did when I was ten and my father said he'd mow the lawn from now on because I did such a lousy job" -- that's when I, literally, see a change come over faces. I see a light bulb go off.



As adults we see ourselves as adults. So, when a person realizes they are, truly, acting just as they did when they were a child -- well, it's a real awakening.



Couples who have this epiphany realize, quite quickly, that the reason they are having trouble communicating about some very grownup issues is because they are acting like children.



And, this really takes a lot of couples to a new level of relationship.



As homework, I often have couple who've had this particular 'light bulb' moment call each other on the age issue. When they are in conflict and really stuck, one of them has to ask, "What age are you right now?"



I can't tell you how many couples come back the next week and say that question, "How old are you right now?" instantly brought them into the present where they could better deal with their particular issue as grownups looking for a solution rather than children having a tantrum because they don't know how to do anything else.



The next time you are in conflict with your mate or significant other, stop and ask yourself, "What age are you right now?" Or -- be bold -- and ask your partner the same queston.



See if a light bulb doesn't go off for you, shedding much needed light on what's really going on in your relationship -- right now.