TWO TYPES OF CONFLICT

I believe that the right kind of conflict between partners is normal, necessary, and an opportunity for the relationship to deepen and grow.

However, it is important to beware that there are two different type of conflict: conflict that serves the "WE" and conflict that serves the "ME."

The destructive kind of conflict, conflict that serves the "ME" is about creating a story that makes yourself right and your partner wrong. The point of the conflict is "I feel insecure, I am going to make it your fault, attack you, so I can feel better about myself." This kind of conflict becomes a perpetual ME verses YOU tug of war.

Conflict that serves the "ME" is about self "protection" that uses distorted perceptions and misinterpretations that have more to do with our insecurities than our partner's reality. Conflict that serves the "me" is about anger and resentment - harsh feelings not soft feelings. Vulnerable feelings are avoided in a conflict that serves the "ME."

Conflict that serves the "ME" is about reactive behaviors pushing the other partner further away - a solution that realistically, only causes pain and emotional alienation.

In contrast, conflict that serves the "WE" is about deepening and expanding your emotional connection. Conflict that serves the "WE" is about making the relationship safer and more flexible for both people.

Conflict that serves the "WE" is about "We have a Problem Between Us" rather than "You are the problem."

Conflict that serves the "WE" is about seeing the problem as unconsciousness behavior in your partner rather than intentional or about character defects.

Conflict that serves the "WE" is about using your awareness to notice what is going on in your head and in your heart and not immediately judge, misinterpret, or overreact. Conflict that serves the "WE" is about seeing the situation over there and my reaction over here.

You can ask yourself the question, "Am I participating in this conflict to protect the ME or enhance the WE? Am I talking to reveal what I need or to control my partner? Am I listening with curiousity or with judgment? Am I using hard feelings or soft feelings? Am I responding in a way that aligns with my values, such as honesty, communication, understanding?

When you learn to put the "WE" first, you enter a new stage of relationship. Conflict may still exist but it will no longer feel be distancing or threatening.