Compatibility tests are hot these days. Now, more than ever before, singles are taking control of their love lives. Sure there are still random hook-ups... but when people want to get serious about a relationship, out go sexual chemistry and pheromones and in come 'scientific' compatibility tests.
Over 40 million individuals logged on to sites like E-Harmony and Match.com to select potential mates with rational and careful precision.
These various online dating sites match like with like, and eschew the old fashioned notion that “opposites attract.”
Which leads me to the question, “What is compatibility really about?” What are the qualities that enhance compatibility? What does a “smart” compatibility test have to measure? Is compatibility all about finding someone like you? Is it that easy?
Some studies have shown that choosing a partner with common values, common lifestyle expectations, and common cultural background is smart. These like-minded pairings have less conflict and make better 'side-by-side' partners.
On the other hand, picking someone like you, personality-wise, can be BORING. The biggest threat to marriages these days in not high conflict. The leading cause of divorce these days is “growing apart,” the loss of passion.
It is not our sameness, but our uniqueness, that is the “juice” of relationships. Playing it safe and excluding passion and depth from the compatibility equation is really not smart.
Clearly compatibility needs to balance otherness and sameness in order for a relationship to last. But, I think the key word here is balance.
Compatibility tests need to be less person-based and more connection-based.
The next time you are evaluating the potential for your relationship, ask yourself:
Can we regulate our frustrations and address our differences calmly and effectively?
Can we reveal ourselves deeply and openly to one another?
Can we rely on one another for comfort and reassurance?
Can we listen to one another with an open mind and an open heart?
Do we both apologize and make amends when we screw up?
Compatibility is less about finding the right partner, and more about having the right kind of relationship.
About Rhonda Audia, MSW
- Rhonda Audia, MSW
- The road to relationship success can be difficult to navigate. There are four relationship stages to be mastered and conflict is a normal and necessary part of this process. Rhonda Audia, a.k.a. The Guru for Two, can enlighten your travels with wit, insight, and practical advice. She has over 20 years experience helping people achieve relationship success. Her physical counseling practice is located in Tampa, Florida. She also provides education and counseling on the phone, email, and Skype.
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