I'm Dreaming of a "Fight" Christmas

You can’t go anywhere or doing anything right now without being reminded that it is the holiday season. As annoying as the holiday overkill can be, sometimes, it’s hard not to feel some warm and fuzzy feelings. ‘Tis the season.

The problem is those warm and fuzzies about family and loved ones are relentlessly connected to spending money. And, that kind of advertising blitz works.

You really want your kids to have everything they want for Christmas or Hanukah. You want to see their eyes light up with glee. Ditto for your mate and family. You want them to feel like this was the best holiday ever. You want them to know how much you love them.

You’ve probably done a million and one other things through out the year to show how much you love your family. But, the culture has become hard-wired to believe that holiday gift giving seals the deal.

But, I’m not here to talk about that particular distortion. I’m here to talk about about the potentially dangerous aftermath of holiday over-spending.

Many studies have found that finances are the number one reason for divorce in the United States. Finances are also one of the main reasons couples fight.

In tough economic times, there may need to be some belt-tightening when it comes to holiday spending. But, our emotions may drive us to want to throw caution to the wind – even though we know we will pay for the smiling faces of our gift recipients with tons of stress later on.

With couples, that stress may come in many forms. There’s recrimination: “How could you put us in this situation when you knew how tight money is?” There’s shame: “No wonder we are in horrible financial shape. You just can’t control yourself.” There’s denigration: “If you just worked harder and did more, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” And, there’s the ever-popular sticking your head in the sand: "I charged everything on the card and I just won’t tell anyone. Then I’ll ignore the bills for while when they start rolling in. I’ll just hope it all works out.”


Realize right now that a lot of this is not just about dollars and cents. Couples really struggle with money issues because they have differences in values, goals, and life dreams. Money issues produce conflict when couples don’t have effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Fights about money often becomes the topic of a “fake fight,” a fight that’s really about our need to be valued, understood and share influece in decisions.

With that in mind – and even though the Black Friday and Cyber Monday shopping sprees are already past – the holidays can still be a chance to learn that difference in marriage are natural and conflict over finances is normal. The important thing is to work through these differences without losing your emotional connection. Try following these steps:

1. Talk about what money means to each of you – love, status, freedom, power.
2. Write a holiday financial mission statement.
3. Keep the focus away from “me against you.” Instead, think “us” against the situation. Nobody’s right, nobody’s wrong, there are just differences.
4. Communicate to reveal your emotions, not to criticize or blame. Remember that primary feelings are your vulnerable feelings. Secondary feelings are your angry feelings. Concentrate on the former.
5. Try and listen to your partner’s viewpoint with curiosity instead of judgement. Learn that your differences can add to your relationship’s effectiveness in finances.

Listen, there are a lot of differences between you and your partner that are never going to go away. The goal is to manage them. When talking about holiday spending, ask yourselves, “What’s best for the “we” instead of the “me?”