Anger Is Just A Cover For Vulnerable

Not all feelings are created equal.

In your relationship, it is very important to pay attention to how you are expressing what you want and need.

Communication is about words, actions, and body language. But, the most powerful element of communication is your emotions.

There are two categories of emotions. There are emotions that push your partner further away and there are emotions that pull your partner closer.

Anger is an emotion that will probably push your partner further away.

First, expressing anger is less about revealing and more about controling the other person, not the straightest shot to intimacy.

Second, we depend on each other for love and approval. My partner's anger will feel distancing or threatening to me. It pushes my insecurity buttons ("I am unloveble. I am inadequate") and makes me feel very anxious. When I feel anxious, chances are that I am going to react by getting defensive.

Anger, when properly examined, is really just a cover for vulnerablity. Anger is a secondary feeling, a reaction to the discomfort of feeling a more vulnerable feeling like shame or fear. These vulnerable feelings are called primary feelings.

Attuning to your primary feelings, your vulnerable feelings and then using those emotions to shape your communication has the result of PULLING a more empathic and helpful response from your partner. Hurt, sad, anxious, insecure. These are all feelings that are about revealing, not controling.

"I feel insignificant. I feel insecure. I feel powerless. I feel unsure of your love."

Attuning to primary feelings for both yourself and your partner can cut through a lot of needless blaming and defensiveness. The safety of sharing your vulnerablity with your partner is at the heart of true intimacy.