LOVE TANKS

Poor anxiety regulation is the root cause of marital distress.

Where does the anxiety come from? When couples bond, they begin to depend on each other for their security - their attachment needs. These attachment needs come in two categories: 1)the need for belonging and connection and; 2)the need for approval, esteem, and validation.


Relationships are feel safe when everyone agrees, but how often is that? When differences emerge between partners it can be very anxiety provoking. When you have come to depend on your partner for validation, conflict feels very threatening and very distancing. Anxiety spreads back and for between two attached people like a fever.

When some people feel threatened, they "fight" to restore connection. When other people feel threatened they "withdraw", because they believe their withdrawal will protect the relationship from unnecessary conflict. The problem with these strategies is that one person's response ESCALATES the other person's anxiety.

Couples need to learn how to respond to their partner in a way that is soothes their anxiety. In order to teach them how to do this I suggest that they imagine that their partner carries a love tank inside of them, a tank that stores their feelings of connection and security. When a partner gets anxious, it is a signal that their love tank is getting low.

It is very important that you become proficient at filling your partner"s love tank. Some partners, when they feel "deserted" by their partner, need to hear that they are loved and not alone. Other partners, when they are feeling dismissed or "devalued," need to hear that their ideas and feelings make sense and do matter. John Gottman, Phd, in his landmark research on relationship success, tells us that a large percent of our differences (over 50%) are UNSOLVEBLE differences. As long as we feel soothed and know our partner is accessible and responsive to our distress, we can tolerate the differences much more easily. We will still have the differences but the differences will not cause emotional alienation.

If anxiety spreads like a fever, then resentment and emotional alienation grows like a cancer between a couple, choking off all the healthy "cells." Too many couples waste precious time and energy in "fake fights" and emotional disconnection. Couples many times give up and break up because they don't understand the need to soothe anxiety or the real source that causes the anxiety. The true source of anxiety is our need for love and validation. These are the ingredients that fill our love tanks.

Remember, conflict is just normal but it does not have to feel threatening. Conflict is unavoidable but emotional disconnection is optional!