When you are upset with your partner, you are usually experiencing multiple levels of feelings. Sorting through these feelings and naming them is very important. Anger pushes your partner further but the softer feelings like hurt, fear, sadness, shame, and need PULL your partner closer.
Next time you express your feelings to your partner, tell them about all the levels of your feelings:
LEVEL 1: Anger
I hate it when
I attack
I want to withhold when…
I feel like getting back
LEVEL 2: Hurt
I feel attacked, judged
I feel neglected
I feel rejected
I feel discounted, dismissed
LEVEL 3: Fear
I am afraid that I have failed
I am afraid of your disapproval and judgment
I am afraid you stop loving me
I am afraid that I will lose you
LEVEL 4: Sadness
I feel sad, hopeless, grief, despair
I feel empty, numb
I feel like we lost our love
LEVEL5: SHAME
I feel unlovable, bad, and defective
I feel inadequate, helpless, and worthless
LEVEL6: I Want
Love, belonging, affection, security
To feel esteemed, valued, respected
To feel understood – both thoughts and feelings
To feel free to be me
I appreciate you when
About Rhonda Audia, MSW
- Rhonda Audia, MSW
- The road to relationship success can be difficult to navigate. There are four relationship stages to be mastered and conflict is a normal and necessary part of this process. Rhonda Audia, a.k.a. The Guru for Two, can enlighten your travels with wit, insight, and practical advice. She has over 20 years experience helping people achieve relationship success. Her physical counseling practice is located in Tampa, Florida. She also provides education and counseling on the phone, email, and Skype.
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