RELATIONSHIP ROADMAP

How many of us have entered into a relationship thinking – finally, this is the one? How many of us later started wondering – how in the world did I end up with this one?

How many of us have gotten to the point where we’re asking ourselves – why do I keep messing this up? What’s wrong with me? And, how many of us sit with our partner at the end of the day and think – how blessed am I to have a person who is working with me to have me dreams fulfilled?

All intimate relationships evolve in stages, from the fantasies and hopes of new love between a “me” and a “you,” to the deep intimacy and collaborative partnership of a “WE.”

STAGE I -- "You Are My Answer"


Without love, we feel incomplete - a little bit alone and a little bit inadequate. We search for someone to be the "answer" to our incompleteness.

When we meet someone who feels like "the answer," we focus on togetherness. Differences between two people are minimized.

At this stage you may feel close but you are not revealing all of yourself yet. True intimacy is sharing your uniqueness with the other person, NOT YOUR SAMENESS. Differences and conflict emerge as a signal that your relationship is preparing to grow...

STAGE II - "You Are My PROBLEM"

ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT PERSON YOU THOUGHT WAS THE “ANSWER” NOW BECOMES SUCH A "PROBLEM!"

Differences in personalities, communication styles, and life dreams can feel very threatening and distancing.

When our partner fails to respond to us in the way we expect, we get lost in our fear of disappointment, rejection and inadequacy.

We have difficulty accepting imperfection. We have difficulty attuning to our vulnerable sides. We act in ways that weaken our connection with the person we have grown to need.

Our instinct is to change our partner rather than revealing our own insecurity. Our campaign to change our partner becomes a perpetual loop of blame and defensiveness.

Couples get literally lost in battles ME verses YOU, FAKE FIGHTS as I call them.

Sadly, many couples get disillusioned and their emotional connection starts to lose strength. Sadly, some people give up on their connection...prematurely.


STAGE III - "WE" Are THE PROBLEM"


Ever been online and had a weak Internet connection? Nothing works right. What about on your cell phone. You have a weak connection, you lose calls, right?

So everyone can understand the concept of lousy connections. Learning to pay attention to the quality of your connection with your partner is the key to working through differences and power struggles. You can feel close and disagree if you feel mutually seen, heard, and influenced by one another...if you feel connected.


Learning to talk about weak connections or disconnection is ,oddly, very connecting for couples.
Learning how to focus on what the WE needs is the key to managing your differences in a way that deepens and expands your relationship.

There is a "Triple A" formula to maintain good connections with your partner:

ACCEPT - working with expectations and judgements to increase flexibility and reduce blaming
ATTUNE - increasing sensitivity and compassion to the underlying primary feelings and concomitant needs for love, esteem, and autonomy.
AFFIRM - promoting actions that add rather than subtract from the sense of WE.


STAGE IV - "We Are The Answer"


When a couple learns to take responsibility for their emotional connection, the WE becomes a safe place of belonging AND a source of esteem and empowerment.

As our relationship deepens, we more easily reveal our true selves, promoting mutual acceptance and healing.

As our relationship expands, we have more room to be creative, grow, and reach for our full potential.


It is connection, not individual autonomy, that heals us of our past hurts and empowers our individual potential. When couples reach Stage IV, differences will no longer feel so threatening or so distancing.