Dumb Fights

Dear Guru for Two,

My husband and I have a very good relationship but we keep getting into the same dumb fights. Usually the conflict is over silly things like rinsing out coffee cups and closing kitchen cabinets.

Sometimes these fights can get ugly and mean things are said. Sometimes we stop talking for days. I hate this. The other night we got so upset with each other it was really awful.

We love each other, why do these dumb fights get so out of control?

Nicole C.

Dear Nicole,

In order to understand these dumb fights, you need to understand your "emotional mind." These seemingly insignificant situations resonate on a deeper level, triggering insecurities like "Does he/she really love me" or "I'm not good enough."

For example, the "coffee cup" issue could really trigger a feeling of being "DESERTED," a feeling of being alone and overwhelmed with household responsibilities. Or this coffee cup scenario could conjure up feelings of being DOMINATED (controled) by one another. Or maybe one or both of you are feeling DEVALUED, a feeling of being ignored or unappreciated.

The solution to these "dumb" fights is to learn how to be wiser, more emotionally smart with your own feelings and the feelings of your partner. Emotional smarts is about awareness and about managment.

Next time you are in conflict, slow down, turn inside and see if you can recognize you vulnerable feelings (hurt, sadness, anxiety). Once you are conscious of these deeper feelings, ask yourself, "Who is in charge - my "emotional mind" or my "wise mind?" Your wise mind knows how to balance reason with emotion. Your wise mind knows that your conflict is not just about the lousy dishes!

You can co-exist peacefully if you look for creative solutions that are best for the connection or as I call it, the "we." Remember, your relationship can be big enough for both of you to be right.

Hope this helps!

Guru for Two